Of memories and past.

"Kira rafiah (bukan nama sebenar) was the last lah?"



"Lepastu ada lagi. Budak Upklahsendiri (bukan nama U sebenar)."



//



Memories.



I had this one thought of mine long time ago that i wish i had an amnesia. Haha funny. Bcos i hated my past so much. I hated how it ripped my heart off to let it go. I hated how it kept coming back to me. I hated how attached i was to it. The past.



I once said "Past is somewhere i dont wanna visit. But i just miss the ppl from there.".



Guess what? Most of them come back now.



Haishhhh.



I honestly dont know what is the exact feeling im feeling right now. Blufghhajhjsh <- all.="" br="" em="" resemble="" that="" to="">

They kept coming back -> the moment im letting go of them, the moment that i can no more say "I wish i could turn back time.", the moment where im okay with what ive been thru, the moment when i want to move on.



I felt what they feel. Theyre empty. Theyre restless. They dont know where to go, what to aim, who to be with. Theyre clueless. Theyre me, back then.




//



The catching up session really have shown me that the people out there are clueless. They cant define glass and diamonds. They cant. They have no idea. They thought escapism would fill up the emptiness. But then it wont. They dont know. Do not blame them for what happen. Instead blame ourselves, where are we right now and what are we doing, how hard have we try, how many have we reach?



So i browse rafiah's instagram. She is lovely now. Lovelier than me, inside out. And the memory visits. And then i browse F's photos, again, it visits, for the second time. Aku taktahu nak rasa apa. Twas 4 years back punya cerita.



Is there any song called 'Why do yguys have to come back?' ? Haha bcos i wanna listen to it all night long.



I hate this feeling. Bcos i know this feeling is a lesson. But im clueless. Its like walking in a room fool with mirrors, you see you, but you dont see the way out.



"Tak senang nak jadi seorang NEE (nama sebenar)." - Kecky.



Indeed. I agreed very much. I thought i was the only one that struggled so hard. Tapi takpayah poyo lah Nabi Musa punya cerita takleh celen kot. Lg lejen susah dia.



Kan ke lain orang lain pesyen. So ujian macam-macam cara lah.



At time like this i so want to say " I QUIT!" *sambil angkat tangan dua-dua ke atas*, but idk from what do i want to quit. Hahahaha.



Kalau ini bukan motivation utk kau bekerja (read : berdakwah) lagi keras lagi. Taktau lah. You so dont want your anak cucu cicit to grow up aimless.



p/s : I still remember the struggle of a jiwakacau of mine when i deactivated my fb account for thousands times. Perit betul! Haha. It still hurts. Keke.